My Lighthouse

There are so many moments that have been momentous in our relationship. The first time we met in the airport. The first time he met my entire family (18 hours after we met in the airport). The first time I met his family and saw his country. I cherish every one of those memories and love them dearly. 

But one of the memories that stands out to me occurred before we even met up. Prior to our first meet, Marcel was traveling the world. Literally. He visited like 10 different countries in about as many months. Most of them in Southeast Asia. As was expected his access to wifi was dodgy at best. But the times he was able to log onto wifi he spent pretty much that entire time texting, calling, FaceTiming, Skyping with me. It was such a beautiful gesture. Spending his time in paradise, glued to a teeny tiny phone screen. 

And one of those times he spent glued to his teeny tiny phone screen he saved my life. 

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder II about 5 years ago, due to the intervention of my best friend who also saved my life (I laffs choos Jen!), and it has been quite a struggle both pre and post diagnosis. I go through severe downs, and dangerous ups, and let me tell you, it’s not fun. At all. 

There came a time, shortly before we met, that I had one of those severe downs. Depressed, suicidal, the whole lot. Now I don’t mean to make light of this disorder and its effects, and those who suffer from it. It’s simply how I cope with it, by trying to be light about it. Trying to not let it define me. So if I offend, that is not my intention, everyone deals with their demons in different ways. 

Anyway, I was pretty severely depressed, actively suicidal, and not seeing clearly. It was like viewing the world through such a thick fog that you can’t even see your own hand in front of you. Marcel recognized this and made me call him. He stayed on the phone with me, with such kind and sweet words of encouragement, wrapping me in love and positivity. He never scolded me, he didn’t react harshly, he simply wrapped me in warmth. On the side he was calling my best friend for help. I felt so awful for making him feel so helpless, thousands of miles away, having never even met me in person. But he told to never feel awful for him caring about me. 

After that scary episode it hit me, how this man was my lighthouse, the hand that guides me through the dark tunnels when I can’t see any end or light in sight. 

It was a pivotal moment for me. I always knew that he was amazing and gentle and kind. But after that specific moment, of doing everything he could from halfway across the world, everything to keep me level, to stay with me until my storm passed, I knew I had caught pure gold. The most amazing person I have ever met. 

Wow. I know that went a little Nicholas Sparks there for a bit. But seriously. He’s the most extraordinary human being. I love you darling. 

Inspired by the prompt on LDR Blogs.

  2 comments for “My Lighthouse

  1. 5 August 2015 at 6:48 am

    Dear Tatiana,
    Theo and I were very moved by your story and I read it with tears in my Eyes. We are sorry, you suffer from this disease, but we love you very much and Will never judge you About it! In my work I have taken care off people with bipolair but I AM proud that you are so courages and open About it. You are in our harts and family, so you can count on our support whenever you need it!
    Yes we know Marcel is a wonderfull man and we are very proud off him, we are glad he could help you indifficult times. Looking forward to see you in Holland!
    lots off love, Theo and nelleke

    • 5 August 2015 at 6:50 am

      Thank you so much Nelleke and Theo. That means so much to me. I love you both so much! I can’t wait to be with the family in Holland soon 🙂

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