For the past year I have been tempting fate, cheating destiny, and postponing the inevitable.
This country is riddled with uneven cobblestones, upturned bricks, and countless other hazards for someone such as myself. For those of you who know me well, you know that I’m no stranger to the folks at Urgent Care. I carry bandaids and Neosporin with me at all times. I think it’s safe to say I’m not very coordinated. Which is why it’s remarkable that I’ve lasted this long without any injuries.
I’ve tripped and stumbled plenty a time, yes. But I have never made physical contact with the ground in a dramatic fashion.
It was a spectacular fall. I might even go as far as to say that it was a fall of near epic proportions.
Picture this: It’s early morning rush hour, with a flood of people going to and from the central station. As I stepped forward to cross the street, my foot caught, on what, I don’t know, probably nothing. I’ve been here before, in that precarious millisecond the universe gives you to course-correct before you make a new friend with the Earth. And I’ve always managed to outwit the universe. Today, however, the universe decided enough is enough, and added an unexpected element.
Those 3 inches of free fall was all it took. I started to course-correct until I realized that my foot was still falling, resulting in my body now moving forward at a 45° angle to the ground. Now, this is the moment where you think, “I still have a chance, just pull up. Shit! Stay on target, STAY ON TARGET!” But of course you can’t, because your friend gravity has decided to make his flamboyant entrance. So as I now stumbled forward step by step, my body became more and more parallel to the ground. Until finally, and quite dramatically might I add, I made contact with the ground like a batter running for third base. I don’t know how far along I skidded on the ground, I think 10 ft sounds about right, but it was enough to get the attention of my fellow morning commuters. A pair of good samaritans stopped to check if I was okay. I was momentarily struck mute, shocking I know but it can happen, and I sat there trying to assess the bodily damages.
You want to know who the hero of the day was? My gloves. My darling one-of-a-kind gloves from Target™ sacrificed themselves to protect my hands. Well, my right glove did. He gave up his life for his motherland. The damage was catastrophic and unimaginable. The tear along the seam is at least 9mm. I would ask you all for a moment of silence in honor of this brave comrade.
As for myself, with the advancements of modern medicine I’m confident that I’ll one day be able to walk again. Due to the overwhelming response I’m expecting to receive, I will be setting up a GoFundMe to help pay for my medical bills. I think $25,000 should be enough.